two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
Randomize
