Don't bone anyone, just think of ur vibrator lol
HHaaaaaaaaa mmmmn vibrator
Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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