I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
Randomize
