She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Randomize
