she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize