At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
People are allowed to visit it's just they can't be from Germany and have to wear masks.
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
I'm a girl who met my last three bfs in gay clubs. Think I'm doing something wrong?
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
