I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
Randomize
