The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
Randomize
