everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Randomize
