My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
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