Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
Randomize
