I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
Enjoy the penises
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
Randomize
