Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
We are such grown women, dealing with life's problems one shower beer and reckless makeout session at a time.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
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