My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
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