god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
Randomize
