tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
we're chasing vodka with high fives
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes?
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
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