dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
Randomize
