I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
It's weekends like this that make it obvious why we have to pay to come to college.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
Randomize
