Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize