I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Tanner. All u drink. 10 bckaa. Locked in Porto potty outside. Constructed area. Main strrrreeeett. Fuck. Help. Pleese
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
Randomize
