Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
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