My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
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