Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
Randomize
