remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
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