6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
if i died would you start the facebook group?
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
I fail to see the problem of enjoying a glass of wine while I poop...
the point I'm tryimg to make is that you didn't need to take the whole box in with you
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
