I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
so he had an ashton kutcher Kelso haircurt. dude, we're in our mid to late 20s, I don't think we can ridicule guys for having hair anymore.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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