I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Randomize
