do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
We climaxed at the same time during ain't no mountain high enough. Does it get more cheesy or domestic for a non relationship?
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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