So drunk its hurt
dude i was like still drunk, taking pictures of her while she was naked and asleep and she woke up
haha what'd she say
i don't know man, something about us dating. but i never talked to her sober so i said i was making breakfast and snuck out of her house. close calls man WTF
You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
Randomize
