Three words: puerto rican gang bang
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
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