We named our party play list daddy issues
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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