I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
Randomize
