its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
