and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
i think my cat just said my name.
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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