I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
Randomize
