It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
