Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
