I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
I just heard these 2 kids from flint and Detroit arguing over whose economy is worse... It's really sad what passes for competition in Michigan these days
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
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