I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize