got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
obviously he has no clue about college dating. it goes drunken sex then the 1st date
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
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