She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
Tornado booty call.. dedication
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Randomize
