I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
Randomize
