my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
Drunk. The frashmen love me. Give them. Toilrt paper. And shiots
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
Randomize
