omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize