So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
