Nope, didn't see her. We left when you told us you were going to make the " big beef burrito supreme" even more supreme and you took your dick out.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
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