From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
