oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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