Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
I don't remember anything from last night, but at track I found my thong next to the high jump pit... So it must has been decent
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