turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
I thinking of taking all of the pics of his dick that he's sent me and making a calendar.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
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