good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
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