i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
He's a prodigy! It would be a service to the scientific community.
15 is 15
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
we should paint friendship bongs
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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