My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
why is jon gosselin on the news 24/7 for dating some new lady?? how bout I get on msnbc for not getting laid since forever ago
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
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