is it cool if i come over and use your computer?
what happened to yours?
i got a little to drunk last night and threw up on it...then i tried to wash it off under the sink.
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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