hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
Get your clothes on you are our DD for the night. The usual three way payment
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
Randomize