So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
She has a concussion we think. Dancing to barbie girl.
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
Randomize
