He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
Her boobs more than make up for all the flaws with her personality.
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
Someone stole a lamp last night.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
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