That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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