Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
Randomize