Is that you in the white hat?
Fine suit yourself
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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