she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Randomize