Party's warming up, a tranny just got here...
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
