My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
Randomize
