I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
I have to have sex with him again. I feel like I need to train him so no other girl experiences that bad of sex.
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
