Donna and I are betting on whether or not you are going to cheat on your boyfriend tonight....I said you wouldnt do it.
You might as well just give her the money now.
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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