I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Randomize
