I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
There's glitter all over his bed from my Pink VS panties... I think I might invest in similar styles as a way of marking my territory just incase.
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
Randomize
