I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
Heyyyy, naked guy in your kitchen, can i ask you a quick question about a legal situation in pb??
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
