If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
Topless bubble bath with a lesbian is debatable as a gay experience.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
Randomize
