why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
Randomize
