I puked a lego.
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
Pretty sure I just has te same conversation as you. He suggested I get, sell, and fuck the hoes, and once all was said and done, that I should refer afforementioned hoes to him, to perform felatio.
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
Randomize
