Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
REMEBER. We are young, horny, and poor. If someone wants to give us alcohol... TAKE. IT.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
Randomize
