Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
I need water and some morals
Randomize
