bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
You can wear anything you want
So... Naked it is then
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Randomize
