Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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